Here's for the women...
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.
What did God say when he created Adam?
I can do better than this.
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.
Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.
A man rubbed a lamp and a genie came out. The man asked to be stronger than any other man. He was given the strength to crush bolders. He asked for the worlds fastest sports car and a ferrari apperared in front of him. He then asked to be smarter than any other every man on the earth. He was turned into a woman. She then said thank you.
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And The Men
What's the first thing a woman does when she gets back from the battered women's clinic?
The god damned dishes if she knows what's good for her.
Why do women get married in white?
So they match the kitchen appliances!
Why is clinton gonna lose the election?
Cause she is a woman
Whats the difference between your wife and your dog?
Walking the dog is relaxing.
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
What have you done wrong when you wife comes out of the kitchen and starts nagging you? made the chain too long.
A man is driving along in his car when he suddenly gets pulled over by the police, the man pokes his head out of the window and says "what seems to be the problem officer?" the cop looks bluntly at him and says "are you aware that a woman fell out of your car about 2 minutes ago?" the man let out a sigh "thank fuck for that i thought i had gone deaf!"
Why did the woman cross the road?
Wait, better question, why is she out of the kitchen!?
Why don't women wear watches?
There's a clock on the stove.
Why do women have short feet?
So they can stand closer to the stove.
Why dont women have a penis?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Why don't women need drivers licenses?
There is no road between the bedroom and the kitchen.
Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive?
Because she was a woman.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
-None, it should be opened when she brings it to you.
A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes." The man says "Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here." Phoof! There is a flash of light and abright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women." Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.
What if God's a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why. (Adam Ferrara)
What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.
If your dog is barking at the back door and Danielle Cardella is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
Why haven't any women ever gone to the moon?
It doesn't need cleaning yet
How is a woman like a laxative?
They both irritate the crap out of you.
Woman inspires us to great things...and prevents us from achieving them. (Dumas)
What do you do when your dishwasher breaks?
You hit her.
Wanna hear a funny joke?
Women's rights.
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, shes already been told twice.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, let the bitch cook in the dark!
Women are cute and cuddly - every man should own one.
How are women and high school phone policies similar?
Because they can be seen but not heard
Why do women live longer than men?
Because God adds them the time that they wasted on parking.
How do you get a woman dizzy?
Put her in a circular room and tell her to go to a corner.
A man runs over his wife. Whose fault is it?
The man, he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen.
Obey Your Lord!
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